I’ve had it with the current crop of cable TV shows! I’m tired of sitcoms that aren’t funny with over-active laugh tracks. They should be called sitbombs.
And I’m tired of reality shows that don’t reflect any realities that I know — or care to know.
I don’t want to watch Botched, a reality show featuring plastic surgeries that went bad. This program should be filed under “Program concepts that went bad.” After one episode of Hoarders, I began to itch in strange places. And I don’t really care if no one makes it off the island alive in Survivor. Ever.
So, I’m proud to announce that I’m introducing my own new cable company. It will feature programs solely for guys, fellas, gents, joe’s, blokes, chaps, dudes, hombres and menfolk. No women allowed. I’ve decided to name my new cable adventure TUF, the Manly Channel for ... uh, Manly Men.
TUF will accept no ads for tweezers, body waxing or hair removal products. You won’t see any ads for foot care or hair care, although hair restoration pitches are OK. No weight loss stuff (sorry, Marie Osmond). No products to cure bloating and not one 30-second promotion for toilet-seat warmers or skillets coated with the latest space-age technology. It goes without saying that I don’t want a rash of skin-care product ads either.
My primary advertising categories will be cars and trucks, boats and really big vehicle tires. I’ll happily accept ads for auto repair, beer and hunting accessories. Oh, and anyone promoting manly clothing will be welcome. I’ll offer a discount to Duluth Trading Company with its line of Buck Naked underwear. That reminds me, in all the ads, I want narrators with deep, masculine voices. Martha Stewart need not apply. I’d love ads for wooden crates, ammo cans, beef jerky and shaving products. And bacon.
My lineup of programs will be trend-setting. Instead of a medical show called Scrubs, I’ll offer a program called Slabs. This hour-long production will focus on hungry men searching for steak houses that feature tastefully grilled slabs of meat and 48-inch TV screens everywhere showing football games 24/7.
Instead of a cooking show called Chopped, I’ll promote my own franchise broadcast called Chopped about customized hot rods and motorcycles. In fact, I won’t allow any food-related shows on my cable channel unless they focus on barbecue slathering techniques or the best pop corn recipes of 2018.
I’ll replace Shark Tank with SCUBA Tank, a program showing men hunting predatory creatures underwater. There will be more cowboy westerns on TUF than on any other TV channel. As a result, the TUF cable channel will be responsible for dispatching more consarned polecats and greasy sidewinders to the hereafter than any one else in the broadcast industry.
There will be no HGTV programs about fixing up or flipping houses, although I will allow do-it-yourself fix-ups of lodges, barns, garages and sheds. I love sheds! Certain phrases and words will not permitted on the TUF channel: “What a beautiful decor!” “A great use of space!” and “Wow and awesome!”
Gardening programming will be limited to ... no, I’ve just decided NO gardening programs.
I’ll replace Sex in the City with Flex in the City, a program about weightlifting in the suburbs. Instead of The Good Wife, I’ll offer The Good Life, a documentary on cigar smoking.
I think that should do it. TUF will be the hit of the year. I’m already looking forward to headquartering my executive offices and production facilities right here in Chino Valley.
To comment on this column or to offer your own suggestions for manly programming, email firstname.lastname@example.org.